“So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.” Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Pain and sadness, like joy and happiness, are universal human emotions. All emotions—all thoughts and feelings— are fundamental truths of all people. Every one of us, regardless of age, gender, race, religion, social and political views, sexual orientation, and ability, experiences the depth of human emotion—from joy to sorrow. We are all created by God as unique individuals to fulfill His purpose. God is out of time. He has a divine plan. He knows exactly what he is doing when he creates each of us. God does not make mistakes. He created me— as he created you—because he loves me and wants me to use my gifs—the gifts he gave me—to positively and actively live my life.

"For as in one body we have many members, and the members do not all have the same function, so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another." Romans 12:4-5

Each of us is on our own emotional, spiritual, and physical journey. Our lived experiences are different, but our core emotions are the same. We are united in our shared humanity—in the lived reality of the human condition. God sent his only son, Jesus Christ, to model humanity for us. During his life on earth, Jesus experienced much love and joy with his sacred family St. Joseph and Mary, Our Holy Mother, but he also suffered great pain and agony during his passion and crucifixion. No life is free from suffering. Each of us has our own cross to carry. Pain is a universal trait of humanity.

For many years, I suffered severe clinical depression and anxiety. This burden weighs down the cross that is my life. Like most artists, I am a sensitive soul. I feel deeply. My skin is soft, and my heart is open to the reality of suffering in our world and in all God's people. The emotions of others permeate my body. I am lucky to feel great joy, but I also feel great sorrow. I cry easily—when I feel emotions they pour from my eyes. The tears I cry drip onto my canvas and into my paint mixtures. Art is a medium for self-expression and a conduit of emotion. When I paint, I express the emotions in my heart. I have learned to love the strength of my emotional muscles. Fortitude in love and compassion is a gift. I work to strengthen my emotional and spiritual attunement with God, nature, and humanity with the art I create and in how I live my life. I am not afraid to feel.

"In his grace, God has given us different gifts for doing certain things well." Romans 12:6

The Latin root for the word compassion is pati, which means to suffer, and the prefix com, which means with. To experience compassion is to suffer with another. My emotional attunement is a gift, but it also makes me an easy target for depression and other mood diseases. As a devout Roman Catholic as well as a member of the LGBTQ+ community, I have difficulty reconciling the many facets of myself. For much of my life, I wanted to die. I wished to no longer exist because of the pain I felt. I suffered the pain of not loving and appreciating the miracle that is my own life. For me, being in a depressive state locks me away in a dark tunnel where there is no light, no future, no hope, and no end in sight. Depression is my dark night of the soul where I cannot feel God with His abundant mercy and grace.

My prayers became a plead with God to let me swap places with someone dying. I would pray, “please Dear Lord, take my life away. Give my life to someone who deserves it. I am unworthy. I don’t belong here. Please, take my pain away.” I became angry with God because I could not feel His presence. I heard instead other voices telling me it was not okay to love who I love or be who I am. I thought I would die there, in that dark tunnel of pain, shame, and self-loathing, but I did not. By the mercy of God, I am alive.

"Holding her hand, he said to her, 'Talitha cum,' which means 'Little girl, get up.'" Mark 5:41

I am worthy of life because I am a creation of God, who is all good and deserving of all my love. God created me to fulfill His purpose: To give glory to Him through my life. I am not a mistake. I deserve to live. I choose to be myself. God planted me safely in the hearts and minds of the people who love me. Everything I need is in the soil of my life —given to me by the grace of God. I will thrive.

Slowly, I began to feel human again. I noticed the vibrant yellow hues of dandelions blooming between cracks in the asphalt on my walk to class. I saw the shifting mood of the weather in the colors of the clouds. I ran my fingers through the fur of friendly shelter cats. I took delight in the wonders of God’s creation—including the wonder that is humanity. I learned to love myself and to understand that I too have been fearfully and wonderfully made.

“I think it pisses God off if you walk by the color purple in a field somewhere and don't notice it. People think pleasing God is all God cares about. But any fool living in the world can see it always trying to please us back.” Alice Walker, The Color Purple

I now pray regularly, practice yoga, and mindfully care for my body. When I quiet my mind and still my body, I feel God in the air rustling through leaves and passing through each breath of my body. When I pray the Our Father and the Hail Mary, I am not afraid. I am not afraid because I trust in God. I trust that he created me, like he created each of us, to fulfill a purpose— the purpose of being who I am. Everyone is created equally with unique and individual gifts. Each and every life is a gift in and of itself. Through the grace of God, the love of my family, the support of my community, my faith, mindfulness, yoga, journaling, therapy, and art I was able to gain the desire to continue enjoying the experience of becoming who I am— the will to live.

"My soul wandered, happy, sad, unending.

Thinking, burying lamps in deep solitude.

Who are you, who are you?"

Pablo Neruda, Thinking, Tangling Shadows